You RSVP’d “yes” to the BBQ invite when in it dropped in your inbox a month ago and now that the party is almost here, you’re dreading it as much as you would a root canal. (A tale as old as time.) Except…there’s a small part of you that wants to get your first sober BBQ over with —and so you decide to go.
If a summer BBQ/party elicits memories of day-drinking under the sun and carefree afternoons that dissolved into sloppy, drunken nights and shame-filled mornings, this post is for you.
And, congrats! You are well on your way to shifting your perspective of day-drinking. What you once considered a fun way to spend a day will soon turn into your idea of hell on earth.
First, though, you have to give yourself a chance to spend an afternoon at a party with a cold non-alcoholic drink in your hand, knowing you’ll remember every conversation you had and go to bed with a clear conscience and a lightness you haven’t felt since childhood.
Before we get started, remember…
You only have to do your first sober summer once.
Let’s walk through your first sober BBQ
3:30pm — before you leave. Make sure you decide what you’ll be drinking, and bring it with you to the party. Don’t leave it up to the host to provide N/A drinks for you. Grab a 6 pack of your favorite Athletic Brewing N/A beer or make a pitcher of your go-to mocktail. Come prepared. What to wear? Something with pockets. (Trust me on this one.) Eat a little something with protein before you go. Don’t show up hungry and stressed.
4:15pm — the arrival. The first 10 minutes are the hardest. Plan on feeling socially awkward. You don’t know what to do with your hands (remember the pockets??), where to stand, what to say. You’re suddenly aware of every move you make, and you feel like a fish out of water. That’s OK. The feelings will subside —they always do —and you’ll settle in. Make sure you have your go-to drink in your hand right away.
5:30pm — the questions. Someone you run into is likely to push and ask, “Are you sure you don’t want a drink?!” This is where you use one of your two rehearsed responses from the toolkit and just keep it moving. They’re going to forget you’re not drinking, especially as they keep their drinks flowing.
6pm — boredom sets in. Most of the guests will probably be drinking, which means by now the party is in full swing. You might feel suddenly, dramatically bored. You might feel compelled to drink to liven things up, and feel the familiar chaos alcohol used to bring. Instead, take a moment to notice and name it: “Oh, this is boredom. This isn’t a sign I should drink. This is a sign the buzz used to take over, and now my brain is online.”
8pm — the exit. The single best skill of your first sober summer is leaving on time. Not waiting for when the party gets weird, or when everyone is drunk and annoying. Before. While you’re still having a good time. Pick your exit line in the car on the way there, not at the door on the way out. “We’ve got to get the kids down” works in every demographic. Then go. The post-9pm portion of any cookout is, statistically, where the people who stayed regret it.
Now, imagine…
You get in the car at 8:14pm. Your kid will be asleep before you hit the highway. You’re not worried about getting pulled over for a DUI. You know you’re driving safely. You’ll think: that wasn’t actually as hard as I made it in my head. You’ll think: I remembered the entire conversation about the Italy trip. You’ll think: I am going to feel so proud of myself tomorrow.
The best news? You’ll have your first sober BBQ under your belt and be well on your way to seeing day-drinking for what it is: actual hell on earth.
I’m so proud of you.
Let’s meet back here next week and I’ll walk you through your first sober concert.
Keep going,
-Suzanne
If you read this and thought I want to do this with other moms who get it, that’s why I created The Sober Mom Life Cafe.
It’s a private community of sober and sober-curious moms doing exactly what you’re doing this summer. We have 6 Peer Support Zoom meetings each week (including one I host on Friday mornings), a book club, a private Facebook group.
Hi! I'm Suzanne Warye. I write about the myth of moderation, the lie of rock bottom, and the bright side of sobriety. My book, The Sober Shift, is the book I needed when I was facing my first sober summer.
This could not be more helpful. Love the timeline...Of course we can do this!